10. First day of spring

Goooood morning Bruce! Are you up-and-about yet? That might be a bit too much to ask for as morning here probably means night where you are. Or perhaps you are still waltzing around under the oak tree? Or perhaps… you are dancing around somewhere else…I, on the other hand, has just danced my way out of my dreams, and I am still tucked under my duvet while my thoughts are performing a last pirouette as I am surrendering into a nice cup of coffee. I turned 40 yesterday. And I must say I am pretty pleased with myself for making it this far. Who would have thought? And not everyone makes it to 40, we all know that! I’ve decided I’d like to take another 40 rounds in the ring of life, but then again, that is probably not entirely up to me. For instance, yesterday it almost went really bad – again…

In fact, it’s been a while since I have felt the chill of death down my spine. Imagine that – the day before I turn 40! Now that would have been something… What makes it even spookier is that I had this really low feeling from the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning. I decided to not pay any attention to it, not to let it ruin my day as so many times before. So when I saddled up the horse and set off into that sunny day, I saw no dangers ahead. Until WHAM! – the horse suddenly panicked and threw me off – or at least try to do so. Just a small problem there – my foot was stuck in the stirrup. I was hanging there for a split second or two before the foot got loose, and I hit the ground. Talk about change! – one second I am happy as a clam and mastering the horse, the next I was a “super” in my own movie of life; short-films and memories raced through my mind but I soon snapped out of it. All I saw was the back of my horse running off like it had the devil on pursuit up the Breivoll-hills. Then it was my turn to run like crazy. A gentleman in a car pitied me, and offered me a ride. Normally an offer like that would have made me run even faster, but this time I threw myself into the car and the chase begun. Thoughts were racing through my head – thoughts not suitable for print I might add… Thankfully it came to a happy end. The horse gave up as it arrived at the bottom of the Aschehoug-hills. It had been running like a wind past a boat builder, streams and several other local spots without slowing down. I never thought I’d be grateful for those steep hills of Aschehoug, as I had a real hate-hate relationship with them in my youth. But this time around I felt nothing but gratitude for their steepness! You need a huge amount of motivation to climb those, and the horse (as I so many times before) just didn’t have that. Total surrender!

The speed of life… well, sometimes I feel we’re breaking the speed limit… Like at the church bench 11 years ago, when I faced the fact that I had not become the woman I planned to be… Sometimes we have to walk backward to be able to grasp the feeling of speed. From there to here in a snap. Looking ahead – at all those years folding out just waiting to be filled with laughter and memories it is easy to feel immortal, eternal, because…. yes!! Time is an endless stream of hours, minutes and seconds passing by as we fly our circles around the sun.  How naive! We know of course that life does come to an end, that nothing lasts forever and that no one … are immortal. I think it’s a good thing to acknowledge these facts as they make you appreciate life right now more. I strongly believe that anyone who has had a near-death experience just knows how to fill the rest of their life to the full. They are good at sorting out what’s important and what’s not – how to fill the remaining days of their life with things that matter, that gives positive energy and good memories. Most of us are just dancing in the twilight of ignorance… Even I do that – despite taco shell experiences, the fear of darkness, total strangers, sharks etc. I was never in any real danger, my life had until now for the most part been about avoiding danger; airplanes, boats, dentists, elevators, snakes, deep water – the list is long. And the irony of it all – the one time I got myself into a plane, there was a fire in one of the engines at 20,000 feet. Now we’re talking panic and prayers - and an offer to sit in cockpit despite the fact that I was 20 years old… And, of course, that one time when I was 2 years old and the world went starry white through the front screen of my dad’s Volvo PV as we were trying to get down from the Klimpen mountain at Tynset in Norway…

It was Easter and freezing cold. Unmanageable roads twirled icy and steep through the landscape. At one side of the road the world plunged several hundred feet down into what looked like eternity, on the other side – steep cliffs. This, Bruce, is my first memory in life. My family and I with our feet up and heads down, and inch away from death as we slid into the snowdrift on the other side of the road. The wheels spinning as the car tried to take off to heaven. The winter past by our windows like glittering sparks before it all went silent and it felt like it whispered “welcome back” behind the screen. My brother was just a few weeks, sleeping like an angel at the hat rack in the rear window when the world suddenly when backwards and upside down and he was nowhere to be found… My parents were terrified – there were no signs of him and not a sound. A couple of minutes later he was found underneath a pile of luggage – smiling and giggling! Yes – that was fun, one more time please! The smiling and giggling soon stopped after my dad – with shaking hands – handed him to some helping hands standing there. He slipped out of their hands, hit the ground – and screamd so high the snow blew away from the mountain tops.  There was no doubt!  He was alive. And kicking. Same goes for the rest of us. Perhaps it was this day it all begun. The life where I constantly felt I was starring death in the white of the eye. I somehow felt I had played all my cards at one hand, and the next time around…. I would loose.

38 years later, and full of experience, here I am. Underneath my duvet, thinking  about the days of my life… I’ve decided to defy all fears and phobias, and live my life to its full for all the time I have left.  And that, Bruce, is a promise.  All this has a reason – and that is…. why you are heading my way. How all this is connected??  I’ll tell you another time. Right now I need to seize the day. I’ll saddle my horse and ride far, far away under the beautiful, pale wither sun, until my fear melts and the calm surrender my heart. I will ride until I feel the first day of spring grow strong. I will ride until the end of the world, and return with my pack full of new decks of cards, ready to play another few rounds of life. I might even keep the jokers… The uncertain and unpredictable is indeed part of the game of life. Because in the middle of all this, anything and everything comes alive…. and possible!

Catch you later!

Rikke

Published in Norwegian 21.february 2012

PS. The song I’ve linked up this time is one I hope you’ll take the time to listen, really listen to. I know you will not understand the lyrics, but if you truly listen I believe you will still grasp the meaning. This is one of my major favorites right now, and it fits like a glove.